


The Heart and Soul of a Hologram

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Ace Rimmer - Freeform, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Battle, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Sacrifice, Simulants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 08:35:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10895643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: The day Arnold Rimmer told Dave Lister his biggest fear was the day he had to face it.





	1. Morning

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Klatukatt and Darkchrisbarrieblood for Beta reading!!

When Kryten trundled in with the breakfast tray, Dave Lister quickly jumped from his chair to stop the helpful Android in his tracks.  
  
“Kryten,” Lister whispered in the most quiet voice he could manage, as he placed his hand on his arm, “could you keep the noise down man? I only just got Rimmer to sleep, I found him shaking under the table this morning. Total panic attack all night.”  
  
With an obvious eye roll the Mechanoid waddled to the table a little quieter and put down the dinner tray. His official duty finished he turned to Lister and placed his hands on his metal hips.  
“With all due respect sir, what do you even see in him?” He clucked bitterly.  
  
His eyebrows rising upwards, Lister did a step back.  
“Wha?” What the smeg was Kryten on now?  
  
The Android hadn't finished either.  
“He's got more issues than a lifelong subscription to Hoovers Weekly magazine,” Kryten bitched, revelling in the chance to vent, “he's clingy, needy, utterly dependent on you and a complete and total coward.”  
  
“Kryten!” Was all Lister could gasp, the tirade had taken his breath away. What was wrong with this droid? He knew that he and Rimmer were an item, that he was basically insulting the man he loved.  
  
“What's wrong with you man? I've known that about Arn most of my life and it doesn't matter to me. I love the guy flaws and all. And you know that deep down there is …”  
  
“Oh toss …” Kryten scoffed and shook his head. “Please don't bring up him again. He doesn't hold a candle to him!” Seeing Lister stare at him incredulously Kryten continued; “I am serious sir, that whole thing about him ever being Ace Rimmer, honestly I have my doubts. I wouldn't be surprised if he hid away for a few months, searched for a successor and returned with made up glory tales.”  
  
Underneath the covers a Hologram lay shaking with hurt and humiliation, a tear slowly sliding from his eye. It was true, he knew: he was all Kryten said and more. He felt embarrassed hearing Lister defend him.  
  
The heated debate between Androidd and human continued for a few more moments, until suddenly Lister and Kryten shook up when they clearly heard a sob from under the duvet.  
Kryten froze; this could not be good at all.  
  
“Oh … oh no Sir … I'm ...”  
  
Slowly Lister shook his head. Kryten had really messed up here, upsetting the man he loved like that. “Don't you dare, don't you dare say you're sorry. Smeg, I bet he heard every word! Thanks a bunch mate!” How would he get Rimmer through this fresh blow? His self esteem had been terrifyingly low lately while his anxiety and T-Levels had spiked dangerously. Smeg! He'd only just coached him through a panic attack an hour ago.  
  
Throwing his metal hands up in defence Kryten stepped backwards “Sir I … I …”  
With a dark glare on his face Lister pointed at the door.  
“Just get out!!”  
  
Kryten left as fast as his metal legs could walk as Lister turned his attentions to Rimmer. Slowly he pulled down the blankets, revealing a pale and upset Hologram looking up at him with moist eyes.  
  
“Arn, Arnie babe. Hey …” Lister said softly as he saw Rimmer's tear stained face. “You know that was just a bunch of bull, right? Kryten is just jealous.”  
  
With a soft moan Rimmer closed his eyes, trying to stop the crying. He didn't deserve this kindness, he didn't deserve Lister. _He didn't deserve anything._ “Don't. Don't be sweet Dave, don't try to build me up, he's right. I am a burden, I am a coward and I forgot everything I ever knew about being Ace. I … I can't even remember it. Why can't I …” He couldn't have been Ace, he was a loser, a coward. Kryten's words kept going through his mind and they hurt so much.  
  
Gently Lister wrapped his arms around the man he loved, rubbed his back and shushed him.  
“Come on babe, calm down. You know why you can't remember. I told you; we had to block your memories of Ace. The things you'd seen were making you ill. But that doesn't mean you failed, that doesn't mean you were not Ace. All it means is that you cared too much, and that makes me love you even more.”  
  
A shivering Hologram wrapped himself closer around the body of the man he loved more than anything in the universe. He needed to hold him, feel him, that was what stopped him from going crazy, the only thing that made him feel real, alive. The reason that kept him going. He pressed his head against Lister's shoulder and revelled in soft fingers running through his curls.  
  
“I … I'm scared Listy …” He whispered slowly. Immediately the arms held him even tighter.  
  
“Of what?” Lister asked gently as he rocked his partner.  
  
“Dying …”  
  
Abruptly the rocking stopped and Rimmer could feel the confusion rise in Lister's body.  
  
“But …”  
  
Rimmer raised his head just enough to look Lister in the eyes, he wasn't ready to leave his arms just yet.  
  
“Yes, I'm already dead. Ironic, isn't it? But I'm scared as … I don't know where I'm going.”  
  
The terror that filled Rimmer's eyes when saying those words were enough for Lister to want to hold him forever.  
  
“What do you mean?” Lister asked softly, feeling Rimmer shake beneath his touch once again.  
  
“Well … the heart … the soul of a Hologram. Where does it go? What happens to what I experienced after the accident if I die again?” As Rimmer talked his voice shook and tears started running down his cheeks. “Our love, will it all go to waste? The old me died bitter, unloved. I don't want you to … go to him, if he doesn't know what … what we had. I … I don't want to lose you Dave!”  
  
As Rimmer clung onto him like a drowning child, Lister sat frozen for a second, horrified to hear the horrors that were plaguing his husbands mind. “Arnie?” He said gently, but he was at a loss for anything comforting to say to him, so simply muttered; “Smeg!!” as he started rubbing his husbands back again.  
  
Unsure if Lister had understood him, the anxious Hologram continued between sobs; “Do I have a soul now, is this still part of my life? Where will I spent my afterlife?” Suddenly he sat up, his big eyes urgently focussing on his husband; _“Listy, promise!”_  
  
“What?” Lister asked, confused by the sudden shift in emotion and the desperate urgency in the eyes and face of his partner.  
  
“Please upload your memory … of me when … Make sure we can always be together.”  
  
Desperate panic took his breath away and Lister suddenly understood.  
  
“Babe, is this what you've been thinking about all this time? What the panic attacks were about?”  
  
Unable to talk Rimmer nodded and clung tighter to Lister.  
  
“I don't want to be without you, ever!” He forced out hoarsely.  
  
“Hey, hey, no-ones going anywhere. I'll upload whatever the smeg you want and … if it comforts you I swear, my heart and soul will be with you wherever we may be. Oh babe, you're shaking so badly, you're really upset, aren't you? Want some hot milk and a holo-sedative?”  
  
Rimmer nodded, but was reluctant to let him go.  
  
“Can you lay with me a bit?”  
  
“Well, just a few minutes, till you're asleep. Kryten says we're entering dangerous Simulant territory and we must all be on our guard, see?” Lister heard Rimmer whimper a little as he said that and slowly started rocking him again. “Don't be scared, okay? Nothings gonna happen, I'll make sure.”  
  
And Lister tried, of course he tried, but sometimes things just don't turn out the way we want them too.


	2. Afternoon

Rimmer dragged himself slowly through the enemy ship, it was big and he did not know where they'd taken Lister. Fear, panic, anxiety where all pounding through his fragile body.  
There was something going on in his brain he did not understand. It was as if he was flash-backing to memories that were not his. They felt as if they'd happened, but they couldn't have.  
This wasn't the time to go crazy, he told himself. He had to stop to catch his breath, his vision was swimming. If only he could sit down, just for a minute, to recover, to gather himself. But he had to go on, _Lister_ , the name spurred him on. Lister was in danger. He still didn't know what he could do, but somehow, _somehow_ he would save him, no matter what.  
  
Suddenly the shaking Hologram heard something, a sound so familiar. He stumbled to the place it came from: Lister, he was certain. He found the room and saw through a crack in the door: Lister was tied to a bed with a drip attached to him, two Simulants were standing at either side of him, one had a syringe that it was filling with something. Lister was screaming. _Screaming … his name._ The sound pierced through Rimmer's soul and something exploded in his brain. Waves of memories made him collapse to his knees. Suddenly he remembered: Ace Rimmer! _He was Ace Rimmer._ How could he have forgotten? Then he remembered why he shouldn't remember but didn't care. He'd be Ace one more time for Lister. One last hoorah.  
  
He needed a plan, but there was but there was no time to think, the Simulants were already cranking up the poison. Listy was in pain. He had to go in, bazookoid blazing.  
  
_Five breaths, a swallow, a heaving sigh._  
  
He shot the lock open, kicked the door and entered, shooting blindly, but with Lister in the corner of his eyes at all times.  
Within a second two were down, where was the other one?  
  
“Arn … Rimsy ...” Lister's voice distracted him as he turned.  
  
A loud bang. Pain. _So much pain._  
His shoulder felt as if it was on fire within seconds. A holo-bullet, he knew. Poison. No time to think, no time.  
A quick spin – yes, yes, he had him.  
  
Another well aimed shot freed his husband, but Lister was already weakened by whatever poison the Simulants had given him. He had to make sure the other Simulants would not be able to follow them once they were alerted by what had happened.  
He dashed into the hallway and fired into a cable that set the hallway on fire. Now he had to be fast. He ran back into the room, lifted Lister over his good shoulder and ran out of the ship as fast as he could.  
Outside he gently lay Lister on the grass, sealed the ship so no Simulant could get out and fired a bullet into the engine. They would never hurt the man he loved ever again.  
  
For a brief second he closed his eyes.  
_So tired. Pain, worse now._  
Still no time. Ship would explode soon.  
Lister had to be away from here.  
_Everything black … Sleep …_  
No!! No!! he fought back at the unconsciousness that was ever calling for him; not now, not yet!! Lister had to be safe!! _Lister._  
  
Biting his lip until it bled to fight back against the pain Arnold Rimmer knelt down next to his husband and used all the strength he had left to lift him up one last time.

* * *

Having finally located the position of their lost crew members Kryten and the Cat landed the Starbug close to the enemy ship, but far away enough to remain unseen. Then they swiftly made their way towards the Simulant ship, all the while desperately thinking of how to rescue their lost posse members.


	3. Evening

Tears of agony were streaming down Rimmer's face as he battled to carry Lister away from the ship. He was in a world beyond pain. Every muscle in his body screamed in agony while his wounded shoulder felt as if it could be ripped off at any given moment. When he spotted Cat and Kryten in the distance he thought he was hallucinating, but still focussed on the couple as a beacon of hope. “Keep walking” it hammered in his head, but he was struggling now.  
  
Kryten and Cat watched in amazement as Rimmer carried the unconscious Lister towards them, as the enemy ship behind them disintegrated. Noticing Rimmer was starting to struggle Kryten rushed towards them with Cat hot on his track. Upon reaching the utterly depleted Rimmer, Kryten swiftly took Lister from his arms. Finally relieved of his precious burden Rimmer collapsed to his knees coughing, gasping, sobbing and completely exhausted, then he vomited violently. All he wanted now was to curl up in a ball to accept his faith. But he knew there was one task he still needed to complete.  
  
As he prepared to carry Lister to Starbug, Kryten nodded his head towards the miserable Hologram on the ground.  
“Help him.” he whispered. For a moment the Cat froze and thought about making himself look big: _Really?_ He had to help … that? Then his instinct took over and reminded him of the fact that Monkey and Robot cared about Goal-post head and _they_ were his main food providers. Also, the guy belonged to the group and without him Monkey would probably go weird. Okay, he'd help, but only because he liked his food and hated change. “You better not get sooth all over this outfit, bud.” the Feline hissed as Rimmer shakily reached out to him – he couldn't help it: it was his third favourite outfit!!  
  
Drained of every last drop of energy and adrenaline Rimmer kept coughing as he tried to raise himself to his feet. He was shaking uncontrollably now and was barely able to stand. He desperately grabbed the Cat's arm for support to remain standing. The Feline froze in horror. “Oh no, I'll have to support you …??” He exclaimed with fear in his voice; _this could not be happening!_ Then ... looking in the Holograms eyes the Cat grew softer. He saw … Ace … he sensed the heroics, knew Rimmer had done the impossible, knew he had given all he had. The Cat would give too, just once. Forgetting about his suit the Cat wrapped his arm around the fading Hologram and held him in a death grip to keep him from falling over. Then he noticed the shoulder: “You been shot, bud?” “Holo-bullet …” Rimmer gasped. “Being poisoned.” He staggered, the Cat grabbed him even closer. “Come on Buddy, I'll take you home.” the Cat whispered in his ear. Rimmer tried to smile but was too weak to make the smile reach his face. The Hologram and the Feline slowly shuffled forwards.  
  
By now Rimmer was in so much pain they had to pause every other step so he could gather his strength for the next one. The pair were so slow that when Kryten came looking for them they'd barely made it halfway.  
“Please hurry, Mr Lister is dying!!” Kryten said in alarm.  
“I don't think he's doing to good either, Condom head.” The Cat snapped nodding in Rimmer's general direction. “He's been shot.” Kryten looked in alarm at Rimmer's ghostly appearance - literally as he'd almost gone see through. “A holobullet?” Kryten asked anxiously. The Cat nodded. Horrified he had not paid closer attention to Rimmer's condition before Kryten swiftly picked up the Hologram and carried him to the ship, a relieved Cat ran after them.

* * *

Back on the Dwarf Rimmer collapsed onto a chair in the medibay to watch Kryten work on Lister. The Hologram was beyond ill, beyond pain and beyond exhaustion. His body was shutting down, he could feel it. He had to be fast now.  
On the journey in Starbug Kryten had been talking about ways to extract the virus from Lister. In theory Kryten thought he could take it, or put it in the Cat as it might not have any effect on them. If it did it would work slower and Kryten might have time to find a cure in time. Rimmer disliked the word _“might”_. There was not enough time for research and experimentation; the virus could be extracted only once and it had to be done right. He knew what he had to do: someone would be sacrificed but it wouldn't be Lister – or Cat or Kryten. He would face his biggest fear to keep them safe to keep _him_ safe and he would do it now.

With a major effort Rimmer heaved his screaming body from the chair and dragged himself to where Kryten was standing with Lister. The Hologram swallowed, waited till the room swayed a little less then begun to speak with urgency.

“Kryten, give me the virus!!”  
Kryten spun round to face Mr Rimmer, his face aghast.  
“But Sir, you are in no condition to take it, it will kill you almost instantly!”  
Rimmer shook his head.  
“I am dying anyway … It's the last thing I can do.”  
“But …” Kryten stammered. “But Sir, I could find a way. I still have the Dove programme, it could halt your illness. You do not need to die.”  
Rimmer shook his head again, he was too weak for a debate. He just wanted it over and done with, he just wanted to sleep … forever.  
  
“The Dove programme halts it, but doesn't cure. I'll be like this forever and what? Be even more useless than I was this morning? I created this mess, I almost got Lister killed, I am not risking anyone else. If I do one thing right it has to be this.” He knew that was not the entire truth, but he felt it best to leave it at that. It would stop Kryten from trying to save him. The virus would be on his lightbee and when he shut down it could be destroyed.  
Swiftly, before Kryten had a chance to respond Rimmer took the drain and connected it to his lightbee. He pressed the button. Within seconds the virus was within him adding unmentionable agony to the pain he already suffered. Broken with pain Rimmer collapsed in Kryten's arms, tears streaming down his face. The horrified Android held the hologram as he was convulsing.  
  
_More pain, so much more pain, but … he had forgotten, he had to tell Kryten ..._  
“Kryten old love, whatever you do, I beg of you: don't tell Lister what happened!” He heard a cracked voice that vaguely sounded like Ace say to the Android. “He can't know until it's over, he mustn't try and save me.”  
“But Sir …” Kryten said as he supported the increasingly weaker Rimmer to the Captain's room. He knew he couldn't do anything else for Rimmer now other than just make him comfortable.  
“That's an order, Kryten!” Rimmer barked with all the strength he had left.  
Kryten welled up “Oh Sir such nobility! Such honour!”  
Silence.  
“Kryten ...” Rimmer suddenly said, his voice dazed and barely above a whisper.  
“Sir …?”  
“I … don't think I … can walk any-more ...” Then everything went finally and blissfully black.


	4. Night

At the same time as Arnold Rimmer finally lost his battle against unconsciousness, Dave Lister woke up in the medibay, feeling rather good.  
  
“Wow, did I get drunk or did I get drunk?” The Scouser cheered as he stretched and yawned. Then he looked around and froze at the sight of his surroundings: what the smeg was he doing in the medibay?  
“Hey buddy, you're back, you're fine!!”  
And what the smeg was the Cat doing sitting at his bedside? Where was Ri … suddenly his breath stopped as the memories returned. With a start he sat up, ignoring the brief spinning in is head.  
  
“Cat man,” He said, his breath anxious, “what happened? Last I remember … I was on that planet with Arn!! The Simulants …” Why was that stupid Feline looking at him like an idiot. Why didn't he talk? “Cat, what happened? Where is Rimmer?”  
  
For a second the Cat panicked: what could he say? Rimmer had begged them to keep quiet which annoyed him to no end. He wanted to scream and shout about what he'd seen, what Rimmer had done and how he, the Cat, had sacrificed his suit, warn him that Rimmer was dying. Now he could do nothing. It was all wrong to him: unlike cats, humans should not die alone he felt. But that was what Rimmer had basically requested.  
The Cat decided he'd go cryptic to see if the monkey would work it out. If he did who could blame him? “He … well … He is on this ship, that's all I'm saying. But buddy, you're well, that's great, thank God he got that weird virus out of you!!” “Virus?” Lister asked worriedly. Cat knew he had him. “Cat, where is Rimmer?” The Cat grinned mysteriously. “I said too much bud …” He disappeared.  
  
Lister felt an alarm rise within him: _something was wrong with Rimmer_ , he knew it. _Where was he?_ To his relief Kryten entered with a tray overloaded with all of Lister's favourites. “Kryten, where is Rimmer? What is going on?” The Scouser asked before the Android was even through the door. Kryten froze, then quickly forced a smile: “Ah Sir, you're awake.” _Seriously? That Android was so transparent._ “Stop the faux cheerful act man. Where is Rimmer?”  
  
Oh why had Mr Rimmer requested him to lie? He knew he couldn't lie!! Already Kryten felt his diodes protest. Alright he would protect the secret as good as he could but _lie_ and to _Mr Lister_? No, he couldn't. “He ordered me not to say, Sir.” Yes, close enough.  
  
Or … maybe not … Lister looked terrified and slightly angry. “That usually means he's done something daft and is in need of help. Where is he Kryten?!” Lister was becoming more urgent. Kryten put the tray away and tried to gather himself. “Mr Rimmer has been very heroic Sir. Now I promised him not to tell you …”  
Lister glared at the Android: “Living human overriding hologram protocol 534 Kryten!!”  
Kryten sighed with relief. “Thank you Sir! Mr Rimmer recovered his Ace memories when he found you on the Simulant ship. The sight of you being tortured brought everything back. He managed to rescue you at great cost to himself.” Hearing these words it felt to Lister as if all the air was being sucked from the room.  
  
“Great cost? In what way? _Where_ is he?” _He had to see him!_  
“He has been shot by hollobullet which is poisoning him and his program and … as he knew he was dying decided to upload the virus killing you to his lightbee so you would live.”  
Yes, the air was gone.  
“Dying? Where the smeg is he?” Lister's body felt as if thousands of small hammers were pounding on him from the inside. “I promised sir, he doesn't want you there, he doesn't want you to try and save him.” He paused for a second too emotional to continue. “But I can't stop you following me, of course. Oh, to think I called him a coward only this morning!!” With that he waddled out wailing emotionally. Within seconds Lister jumped out of bed and followed him.

* * *

Standing at the bedside of Arnold Rimmer Kryten felt at a loss: the Hologram was getting weaker, of that there was no doubt. The Android had never felt more useless. “I wish there was something I could do for you sir.” he said softly. “Kryten …” Rimmer breathed, barely audible. “Sir …?” Kryten asked, moving closer to save the Hologram the effort of raising his voice. Rimmer's eyes briefly fluttered open; “Please … some water … so thirsty …”  
Glad to have something to do the Android took a glass and pored some iced water from the jar he'd placed on the bedside. Then he gently wrapped an arm around Rimmer and eased up the Hologram to place the glass to his lips. His teeth chattering against the glass Rimmer drank eagerly.  
  
Silently Dave Lister stood at the door and peaked round a tiny crack. His breath stopped and it seemed the universe did too. Was that weakened figure in the bed Rimmer? _His Rimmer?_ No, this couldn't be!! The last time he'd seen him … The last time he'd seen him!! The image suddenly flashed through his mind: _the bullet that shot a gaping hole in his husbands shoulder._ The pain he must have been in … He shivered. And still he'd picked him up, carried him out, _saved him!!  
_  
Inside the darkened room Kryten carefully placed Rimmer back into the pillows, raising his non existent eyebrows at the shivers that went through the ill man's body. “There, there sir ...” he whispered as he wiped a few droplets from Rimmer's mouth as the Hologram closed his eyes.  
  
Seeing Kryten wipe Rimmer's mouth broke Lister, _he couldn't take it any more!!_ Buzzing with a multitude of emotions he slammed open the door and stormed straight to the bed. “Oh my God!! Arnold!! What did you do?!!” He screamed as he finally saw the state of his husband up close.  
  
At the sudden impact of Lister's voice Rimmer's eyes snapped open in horror and for a second he struggled to sit up. The movement caused him so much pain he screamed in agony. The sound was so desperate that it horrified Lister and Kryten. “Arnie, babe, don't. Please, just stay there, it's okay.” Lister whispered, his voice shaking. Gently he eased the desperately ill hologram back into the pillows.  
  
“Kryten, you promised!!” Rimmer gasped in-between agonised grunts. “I ordered you!!” He was now laying down again, his breath fluttering, his teeth chattering. Exhausted from the exertion he closed his eyes again. Kryten fidgeted a bit before muttering “I'm sorry sir, he must have followed me...” Rimmer groaned with helpless frustration. Lister glared at the Hologram balefully: _had he really wanted to die here on his own?_   “And I'm smegging glad I did!!” He snapped. “I can't believe how selfish you are. Of all the selfish things to do. You're risking your life for me and don't even have the guts to tell me?” It took a lot for Rimmer to open his eyes again, his broken gaze staring at Lister in horror.  
  
The look Rimmer gave him broke Lister's heart. He shouldn't upset him, not now, not when these might be the last moments he had with him. Lister didn't care about what Kryten or anyone would think any more. He crawled into the bed with his Rimmer and wrapped his arms around him.  
Feeling Lister's arms holding him Rimmer let go of any form of pretence and snuggled closer to the man he loved so much. He now realised he didn't want to die alone, he wanted to feel these arms around him. He wanted to feel loved one more time. “Thank you …” Rimmer whispered. “What?” Lister asked incredulously. “What for?” “Disobeying my orders.” Tears glimmering in his eyes Lister kissed the Hologram's forehead and stroked his hair.  
  
“Why did you do this Arn? Why now when …” _When you are finally happy, when I love you more than life itself, when you can finally be who you want to be …_ Was what Lister wanted to say, but he couldn't, as Rimmer gently shushed him. “I couldn't let you die, Davy boy. You're too precious!!” Rimmer smiled up at him, in his broken Ace voice. Here Rimmer was dying and trying to comfort _him_ , Lister thought bitterly. But he wasn't comforted. “But there must have been another way!! _Must BE_ another way!!” He urged. A weak headshake from the pillow. “There was no time … Had to choose between saving you,sacrificing someone else or doing … the right thing.”  
  
 _The right thing,_ all these years Lister had tried to make that stupid smeghead do _“the right thing”_. Look where it got them. “This was not the right smegging thing!!” Lister panted through gritted teeth. “You said you didn't remember being Ace Rimmer. No need to go overboard to prove you are, you smeghead!!” A weak eyebrow raise as Rimmer tried to laugh at the absurdity of it all but it was too exhausting for the dying man. The laugh became a violent cough. “You know … A … all this time I thought I'd dreamed it …” Rimmer said, after Lister had helped him drink a little more water. “That I'd never been Ace. Thought that maybe it was a corrupted file and you humoured me to keep me sane.” Lister's arms hugged his husband tighter. “Whether you were a hero or a coward, you've always been Ace to me.” He whispered in his ear. A happy shiver went through Rimmer. “Thank you.” He whispered with difficulty. His breath was now laboured and he struggled to keep his eyes open, he had to close them. Something warm, soft and comforting was calling for him. Feeling his husband fade in his arms Lister shook him. “Oh no, no! No Arnie, stay with me!! I'll think of something, fight it you smegger, come on!! Please Arnold!!”  
  
Hearing his Listy call out for him made him want to stay with him so desperately. But Rimmer had no more fight left in him. All he could do was snuggle in his lovers arms to sleep. Lister would keep him safe till the end. “So … tired, Listy …” His fading voice breathed.  
  
Tears, anger, frustration, they all struggled for their rightful place in Lister's body. He had lost so much, and here he was losing the man he'd known longer than anyone in his life. The man that was his world, his universe. Rimmer was dying because he'd saved his life. _But what for?_   What was the point in living if it was without Arnold? “NO!” His sobbing voice screamed in mindless frustration. “No! Not now, not like this!! Come on Arnie, I'm here man, look at me, look at me!!”  
  
He had to comfort Lister, Rimmer knew. But everything seemed so strange and far away, he wanted to go to sleep so badly. Still he willed himself back, he would open his eyes one more time _for Listy._ One last look. He opened his eyes to see his husbands sobbing face planting gentle kisses on him. “Arnold …” Lister gasped between sobs and kisses.  
  
 _“I love you!!”  
  
_ As a warm feeling overtook him, the pain disappeared and Rimmer felt at peace: _It was okay!_ He was not afraid any more. He died a man who'd been loved, a man who had loved, which was all he'd ever wanted. His stiff shaking fingers reached for Lister's. As he felt his beloved Scouser take his hand, Rimmer tried to smile, to assure Lister it was okay. He had to tell him, tell Listy, he'd seen it, that he knew now.  
  
“Listy …” he breathed with difficulty. “Arn?” Lister asked softly. “Remember …” Rimmer asked slowly, “I asked … The heart and soul of a hologram?” Lister nodded as tears now streamed from his eyes freely.

“It's you …”

Then his tired, broken eyes closed for the last time, it was _done_. Arnold Rimmer finally truly slept as he slipped into a coma.


	5. The Next Day

For a few seconds a shell shocked Lister just sat there with his husband in his arms. Then, as he watched him fade a strange determination overtook him and he gently released him. A thought filled him. He had to remember: _Arnold wasn't dead, not yet. Maybe he could still save him!!_  
“Damn you Arnold J. Rimmer!!” He muttered to the motionless hologram. “I am not giving up on you, man!! With that he got up, wiping the tears from his eyes. This was _not_ the end!  
  
It was only then that he saw a forlorn looking Android in the corner of the room. _Kryten?_ He'd forgotten all about the Mechanoid's presence. Underneath his skin anger, that was looking for a scapegoat started bubbling. _It was all Kryten's fault!!_ If he hadn't upset Rimmer like that this morning non of this would have happened! Why had that smegging Android not stopped him from taking that virus?  
_It was all Kryten's fault!!_ Well, he'd better help smegging get him back, whether he liked it or not!  
“Kryten,” Lister said; trying to sound strong and controlling, despite his broken voice, “if we put Rimmer into stasis, how long will he last?”  
  
Realising he could return to his natural role in life, Kryten buzzed back into action gratefully. The previous moments had been hard on his metal heart. There was guilt over the countless times he'd called Mr Rimmer a coward. Fear Mr Lister would be angry with him over … the countless times he'd called Mr Rimmer a coward. Upset about Mr Rimmer dying. And a strong jealousy about knowing Mr Rimmer and Mr Lister shared something he and Mr Lister would never share.  
“I am not sure Sir …” The Android gave, he had to dig for that information. “A lot smegging longer than he has now, right?” Mr Lister spat. _Oh my creator! Mr Lister is angry with me._ Kryten's brain wailed, blocking the path to the data he needed. _Oh wait …_ “Yes Sir …” Kryten chirped happily, proud of finally locating the info he needed.  
  
A pause.  
  
“Then what are you waiting for?” Lister asked, looking incredulously.  
Kryten blinked, not understanding. “Sir …?”  
For a second it seemed as if Lister would go apoplectic with the anger that buzzed inside him.  
“Smegging put him into stasis you metal bastard!!” Lister screamed, his voice now hysterical, despite his best efforts.  
  
For a brief moment Kryten was stung by this. Then his programming explained that Mr Lister was suffering from the strong effects of grief so he tried not to show it, at least not to much. Quickly he buzzed through all the data he had within him on preserving terminal holograms  
“He might last even longer if we switch of his lightbee, sir. It will conserve his energy.”  
A brief glimpse of relief and gratitude in Mr Lister's eyes put him at ease.  
  
The second Lister saw Kryten's hand reach for Rimmer's lightbee he slapped it. He wasn't about to let the man who'd basically killed him touch him. He wanted to do this properly, one last goodbye.  
“I'll do that, thank you Kryten.”  
  
Softly, ever so gently Lister kissed his beloved husband's cheek.  
“I'll upload my memory before I do what I need to do babe. Because no matter what we'll always be together. I promise.” Then his shaking hands removed the lightbee from Rimmer's body and he pressed the off switch.  
  
For a second Lister stood there, the last remains of Rimmer in his hand. Then he shook his head and swallowed. If he didn't want him lost forever he needed to move fast. Then for some reason an icy calmness overtook him. It was as if he'd become dissociated from the events and was now just going through the motions. “Kryten look for Simulants.”  
  
Kryten watched the change that was overtaking his Mr Lister. His precious master was angry and upset, he had to protect him now Mr Rimmer wasn't there to hold him back.  
_Simulants?_  
“Sir?”  
He watched as Mr Lister turned around, a strange determined look in his eyes. The last time he'd seen him like that was … was when his fear had been removed.  
“I said,” Lister repeated in a cold angry tone; “ _Kryten_ look for Simulants!”  
  
And with that Mr Lister stormed into the corridor on his way to stasis. Kryten quickly waddled after him. “Sir, you are upset. I don't know what your plan is but I am sure Mr Rimmer ...”  
  
Lister turned around; _How dare Kryten even mention his name!!_  
“Kryten, shut up!!” Lister felt as if he was going crazy.  
“But I don't understand, sir …” At that moment Lister hated the calm, pleading tone the Android produced. “Kryten, I said shut up!!” Lister screamed.  
  
Kryten felt like crying, where was his Mr Lister? Oh, he knew that he was blaming him for all this, he'd expected it. But the reality hurt too much. What if Mr Lister would shut him down? How could he protect him then?  
“But sir, I really need to know where I'm standing here!!” His metal heart broke when Mr Lister turned to him, eyes ablaze with silent anger. “You are standing in a smegging corridor Kryten, and you'll soon be better acquainted then you'd ever imagined with one of the food dispensers if you don't keep your pencil top quiet!!”  
Without thinking Kryten mumbled: “Oh, sir now you even sound like him!!”  
Staring at him in confusion Mr Lister shook his head.  
  
The rest of the journey to stasis was silent. Lister's anger slowly cooled down, making way for endless sadness. He looked at Kryten and realised he'd never seen an Android look sadder. He sighed, and promised himself he'd talk to him once he felt more together. He couldn't lose a friend as well as a lover in one single day.  
Thankfully they reached the stasis floor soon after those thoughts and Kryten went to work on codes and all the other stuff that was beyond Lister's mental capacity at that moment.  
“If you could put in the lightbee now, sir?” Kryten asked. _He sounded strained,_ Lister thought.  
  
The door opened, it was time to conserve all that was left of Rimmer. For a brief moment Lister held the bee in his hands and stared at it. Rimmer's essence, so small, _so fragile._ He shivered seeing how blurry and vague the usually shiny little lights were. Rimmer's life was ebbing away. He pressed the lightbee to his lips. “See ya soon, man …” he whispered, then he put Rimmer inside the stasis booth and closed the door.  
  
As he stepped out he saw that Kryten was going through the read outs on the screen in silence. The Android was looking tense. “According to the report we have only 48 hours to come up with a plan to save Mr Rimmer.” He said, with a distinct quiver in his voice. Lister stepped a little closer to him. “A plan is not the problem Krytie, I have a plan. All we need to do is catch up with the home ship those simulants came from.” Then he couldn't take the dejected posture of his friend any longer. “Oh man, sorry Kryten for shouting at ya, I'm just …” Kryten looked up in hopeful confusion. “Sir?” Then Lister threw himself in the Androids arms and wept and so did Kryten.

* * *

“Oh sir, if only you'd tell me what you want to do, I could help you!!” It was a few hours later, the pair had been in the Drive room plotting the course to the Simulant fleet.  
“I want to hunt them down because I know they must have an antidote. They got to have it! I know I can save him! I have to, as I know I'll be dead without him.”  
It seemed as if Kryten froze hearing those words and he turned to the screen. “I think I have a trace on those Simulants sir …” He muttered.  
An elated Lister fist-pumped the air. “Good. Those smeggers won't know what hit them!!”  
No response from Kryten. Lister turned to him in confusion and found the Android fidgeting at the desk.  
“Kryten?” He asked.  
Looking miserable Kryten hunched over the desk as he whispered: “Mr Rimmer said it was his fault …”  
A chill overtook Lister. _What?_ Had Rimmer lied to Kryten to coax him into helping him take the poison? If anyone wasn't top blame it was … it was ...  
“He what?” Lister heard himself mutter. “It's all …” a realisation came to him. “It's all … _My smegging fault!!”_  
  
Rimmer had begged him, pleaded with him not to leave the bunkroom. He knew the Simulants would have left without attacking them if they'd just stayed quiet and let them take a few crates of supplies.  
He had scoffed at his husband. How could Rimmer be so sure of that? Now he knew that it was probably a returning Ace memory. But back then he'd ignored Rimmer's warnings and jumped in to defend the ship – and the supplies.  
_He had wanted to keep the curries safe. He'd promised Rimmer he'd always protect him, but in the end Rimmer had to save him. He'd smegging lost Rimmer all because he'd wanted to keep the curries safe!!_

For a second the room went out of focus as it hit him. His body felt limp as he swooned. He was vaguely aware of Kryten taking his arm and helping him onto the couch. Then there was nothing, until he felt something being put in his hand. … _Water?_ … _Did Kryten even know him?_ He drank it anyway.  
Within seconds he felt warm and sleepy. _Had Kryten drugged him?_ He didn't care. He liked the nothing feeling the drugs supplied. He would sleep, sleep and dream of Arnold. He snuggled up on the sofa and soon he was blissfully away from pain and grief.

* * *

“Mr Lister …”  
Kryten's soft voice took a while to penetrate the medically induced haze of Lister's slumber.  
“Mr Lister, we are about ten clicks away from the Simulant fleet. You ought to get ready sir.”  
Feeling rested and ready Lister sat up to look at Kryten. The Android placed a well prepared nutritious and strengthening breakfast on the table. For a second Lister felt a pang of grief as he remembered the morning before. He shook his head, he had to focus on this day. He had to focus on getting Rimmer back.  
  
“Things are looking good sir. A data search tells me the headship of the fleet has antidotes to all known viruses. This includes the virus Mr Rimmer extracted from you sir and maybe even the one in the hollo-bullet!” A feeling of relief entered Lister: If his plan worked not only would he have Rimmer back, he would be healthy too. “Thanks Kryten, man!” He said and shot the Android a smile. He felt guilty seeing the relief on Kryten's face; yesterdays outburst was obviously still weighing on his mind. Yes, Kryten had been cruel about Rimmer but they were both to blame for his loss.  
He had to get him back, he had to find that antidote. He would get himself on the ship and be brave like Arnold had been for him. "Alright Kryten, let's upload my memory, then I'll explain my plan." He sprang up, ready for action.  
The Android shook his head; "breakfast first, sir." He tutted.

* * *

That afternoon Lister stood in the middle of the drive room, with Rimmer's lightbee clenched tightly in his hand. Kryten had programmed the teleporter to perfection, he would be out and in as fast as he could possible go. For quite some time the Android had begged to go with him, but Lister had steadfastly refused: there would be no more victims for his sake.  
Now it was time.  
  
“I know I can't stop you sir. But I have to ask one last time: are you sure about this?”  
Lister put his hand on Kryten's arm and smiled up at him. “Don't pretend Kryters. You know I have to do this.” The Android closed his eyes and nodded. “Just … just stay safe sir, or Mr Rimmer's sacrifice will have been in vain.”  
Feeling the emotion get to him, Lister felt himself melting. Thankfully at that moment the Cat ran in. “Guys, I see ships, lots of them? Doesn't that mean we're gonna play the Awooga waltz and dance the heck out of here?”  
  
Lister shook his head, and strapped on his bazookoid, his face twisting in a determined scowl.  
“No!” he said as he slipped Rimmer's lightbee into his pocket. “It means I'm going in!”  
The Cat's eyes grew big in confusion. “But where ya going buddy??!!”  
As he took the teleporter Dave Lister looked at his friends one last time.  
“To get my Arnold back!!” He said, then he pressed the button and sent them a smile goodbye.  
“Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!!”


End file.
